She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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