I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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