she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
