$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
