I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
