Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
