I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
