That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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