I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
