Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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