John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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