Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize