I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
