The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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