I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
did you just send me my own nude
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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