Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
