that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize