I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize