i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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