dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
