his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
