I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
