Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
