Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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