im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize