After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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