You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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