Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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