My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
