I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
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