My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
