Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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