I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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