I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
