i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Pooping to opera.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
