did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
