I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
