my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
