So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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