Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
