suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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