I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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