He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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