I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
