I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize