my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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