When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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