I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
