Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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