She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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