He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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