I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I know her cup size but not her name....
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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