i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
