He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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