We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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