Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
