my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize