some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
