The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
