there's paper in my vomit.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
