So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He did a backflip because drugs
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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